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Post by shian on Jul 6, 2008 17:35:55 GMT -5
::She could understand everything he was saying. But why didn't she feel like this was any kind of a step forward?::
::She continued to hang onto him, listening to his heartbeat. It was so comforting. So familiar. Again, his presence, his being here, it was the only thing that made her feel any kind of security at all. Because he was the physical proof that everything she'd been put through wasn't real. Now she just had to get the rest of her to understand that.::
I don't feel very strong, Brock. I don't feel like this is a positive thing.
::She knew, though, that she didn't want to lose him ever again.::
Just promise to hold onto me. Don't let me go.
::She felt like such a coward. Like a failure. And right now, nothing that anyone said was helping that.::
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Post by Fleet Captain Brock Dantara on Jul 7, 2008 22:17:53 GMT -5
::He held her close and gently stroked her hair. It felt so good just to hold her again and feel her in his arms. Even catch her tears.::
How can you say it isn't a positive thing? Look at us, we're talking , communicating, Expressing ourselves. Just like a Husband and wife are supposed to. I thought it might be weeks or more before we could talk like this.
And holding me and telling me you love me is pretty positive, I think.
Let you go? Never. Never again. I'm not letting you get away again!. You're here to stay this time. Troglytes marry for life and we're very loyal.
::The door went off:: "McCoy here."
Come in, Dr. ::The doors slid open and he entered.::
"Sorry I'm late, Medical emergency. Somebody had a hangnail"
::Brock gave his wife a kiss.:: I have to get back to the bridge, my love. How about the arboretum tonight? I'm dying for you to see the place.
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Post by shian on Jul 7, 2008 22:48:37 GMT -5
::Shian just stayed where she was. It wasn't like she was incapable of sitting up on her own, she just felt so much better in her husband's embrace.::
It's not like it was my idea to leave. I woke up in a room with no one there. I didn't know where I was. That's when I started calling out for you the first time. I can't even remember how I got there.
I've always loved you, Brock. I just didn't know what you'd do when you found out that I thought I killed you. My heart was shattered when I thought that you were gone... dead by my own hand. And I thought it was because of my love that you were dead.
::She hung her head, not daring to look up at him. Not even when Dr. McCoy entered.::
I don't know if I'm up to going there. I know you have to get back to duty, though.
::She sat there, staring at some unseen point below her, dreading the moment that Brock let go of her. Yet, she knew it had to happen.::
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Post by Fleet Captain Brock Dantara on Jul 9, 2008 20:58:28 GMT -5
::He hugged her again::
I could never blame you for they did to you. thos weren't your thoughts, they were forced on you. Something similar was done to the Chief engineer of the Enterprise, Commander LaForge. I think He's Captain of the USS Victory now, But the Romulans captured him once and tried to "Program" him to kill an ambassador.
He was born blind, and his sight came from a Visor. The Romulans used direct input in his cerbrad nodules. He thought he'd killed his good Friend Miles O'Brian.
It too time and therapy, but he recovered from that. You;re no different than he is.
::Kisses her:: Sweetheart, I want to stay with you forever, but I have to go save the Universe.
If not the Arboretum tonight, how about a quiet dinner and a little stroll?
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Post by shian on Jul 9, 2008 21:20:30 GMT -5
::Shian tried to make some comparison to Brock's example, but was still having difficulty with her own understanding. She'd been told time and again that it would be a long process for her. Every doctor had reminded her of that. Even the ones on Titan, now that she could vaguely recall their voices.::
::It was just frustrating to her. She spent half of her time being so nervous and anxious about her surroundings and the other half of her time worrying about how to even interact with other people.::
::She forced a smile and nodded.::
Go save the universe.
I might be up for a little walk. We'll see how I'm doing after you're finished.
::She was putting up a good front, at least she thought she was, masking her disappointment in his leaving, and her disappointment in herself.::
I love you.
::She watched him as he left to return to the bridge.::
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Post by Dr Leonard McCoy EMH on Jul 9, 2008 21:30:54 GMT -5
::McCoy chuckled as Brock was leaving::
So you're the saviour of the universe now? How exactly do you word that on your tax returns?
::Brock just gave him a confused look for a second, and had to run off to the bridge.::
You look like you've been crying. Everything ok? Doesn't seem like you two had a fight or anything.
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Post by shian on Jul 9, 2008 21:39:26 GMT -5
::She shook her head. Still seated on the floor by the viewport, she leaned back against the wall.::
No arguements, Dr. McCoy. Just my own cowardice.
::She sat for a moment, then sighed.::
I told him what I did. Well, what I thought happened.
::Looking up at the doctor, her bottom lip begain to quiver.::
I didn't handle it very well.
::She tried to keep herself from breaking into tears again, but she wasn't having much luck.::
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Post by Dr Leonard McCoy EMH on Jul 11, 2008 20:52:40 GMT -5
::McCoy nodded.::
The Captain didn't look upset in any way. Looks to me like you two did some talking. Maybe cleared the air and got some things out in the open.
I know that wasn't easy for you. So now what makes you a coward?
::McCoy took a seat.::
And what should you have done, in your opinion, that would be non cowardly?
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Post by shian on Jul 13, 2008 2:05:25 GMT -5
I don't know....
::She didn't even feel like moving.::
We were saying things that needed to be said, I guess.
::She sighed, her sobs muted.::
And my cowardice... I'm afraid to face my own husband having to remember what I went through. I was afraid to tell him what I did.
::She looked up at him again.::
I'm afraid of me... and I don't know what to do about it.
::She sighed again.::
If I was braver, I'd have told him when he came to the Starbase to get me. I'd be able to talk more openly about what bothers me.
Right now I just want it all to go away. I don't want to have these fears anymore. I want things to go back to normal for me.
::She really did just want to pretend like nothing ever happened, that she was never gone. But it wasn't going to happen.::
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Post by Dr Leonard McCoy EMH on Jul 13, 2008 2:58:19 GMT -5
Shian....::McCoy sat forward, opening his tricorder::
Of course you were afraid. Who in their right mind wouldn't be after what you went through? Give yourself a little credit.
An avarage person would be vegetable or dead after going through what you did. Your Starfleet training is what got you through this.
It's still there and it will be there when you need it.
::He scanned her vitals then closed the device.::
Right now, You're your biggest enemy. You're going to have to stop beating yourself up over this. None of this was your fault.
You told Brock when you were ready to tell him. He knew you had things to tell him and he's been very patient about it.
As far as I'm concerned, you made some headway.
::He stood and walked to the window then turned around.::
We all have fear, Shian. There's nothing wrong with that. Don;t the Klingons have a saying, "Fear is power"? We need fear!
You've been through a war, I've seen quite a few of them myself. Back on th my old ship, I remember some Junior officers bragging about how tough they were.
When they saw a D-7 up close, they all wanted their "Mommies".
No one goes to war without fear. Not having any fear is not bravery, Shian, it's idiocy. Fear makes us what we are, and in many cases, keeps us alive.
You were in no shape to start discussing those things with the Captain when you just left the base. Frankly, I didn;t think you would do it this early on. I think it's a very good sign. take my word for it.
I know how bad you want things to back to normal. And you will.
But you're going to have to face this fear sooner of later. You can;t run away from it. I know how tired you are of it. So eventually, sooner or later you're going to turn and fight.
You're going to have to face this fear and eject it from your life. It can be done, and you don't have to face this alone. You have me, Your Husband, mellisari, Amir, we're all on your team.
Shian, you're too good an Officer, and certainly too good a human being to let those things defeat you.
::He walked over and leaned toward her::
Get angry with them! Hate them for what they did! If you can get angry enough, you can put a dent in that fear. Right now, it's like a wall. Well you're gonna have to break that wall down one brick at a time.
You want things to get back to noral, I know, and they will. But only if you want it badly enough. Get angry enough at them to drive out what they did.
They're not human, Shian. they're not anything. they aren't a race, they aren't a culture. they survive by becoming other people. By stealing people's lives! It's all they know.
They are nothing, Shian! and the sooner you realize that, the sooner you're going to start getting back to normal.
A long time ago, back on the old Enterprise, we had picked up some Klingons. their ship was damaged and it was leaking radiation. We beamed the Klingon crew to the brig.
Well, somehow, this "entity" of some kind got on board and arranged things so that part of our crew was locked behnd a main bulkhead. We ended up having a battle with swords against an equal numer of Klingons.
This "entity" fed on violent emotions! It intended to keep us fighting for as long as....only God knows. But Captain Kirk and the Klingon captain, kang, Ifgured it out and we stopped fighting and got the thing off the ship.
As much as Klingons love to fight they don;t fight to do anyone's bidding but the Empire's.
Other beings we've encountered since then feed on fear. Maybe these things did , too.
Shian, its not your fear you're feeling, it's theirs.
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Post by shian on Jul 13, 2008 23:00:25 GMT -5
::Shian sat there, listening to everything the doctor said, though her mind was probably only processing parts of it. The doubts that she had about herself kept taking over.::
I don't think I know how to be angry at them and maintain some sort of composure.
::Her thoughts drifted.::
Maybe I just need to let it all out. Just go someplace and let loose. But...
::She looked up at McCoy.::
...if I lose it, what then? What if I can't gather myself back up? And how is it their fear? I don't understand. I can't....
::She was more than just a little worried that if she tried to let out her frustrations, she wouldn't be able to rein them back in. And she didn't want to add anything more to Brock's plate.::
I was thinking, though.... ::She chewed on her lower lip a bit before continuing.::
...how do you think I'd do if I spent some time in the holodeck? I don't want anyone else knowing what I'd be doing, though. Not even my husband. At least not until I'm ready.
::She wondered if some alone time in the holodeck might help her or hurt her at this stage. But she had something she wanted to try.::
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Post by Dr Leonard McCoy EMH on Jul 13, 2008 23:34:53 GMT -5
::McCoy listened and nodded.::
I don;t see why you wouldn't be able to regain your composure. If you want to cut loose, then cut loose.
You've been under a tremendous strain of emotion ad stress from all this. You might just clan out your own conduits by doing it.
Shian, When my daughter was a child, she was beeing playful one day. She kept saying this one owrd over and over again.
Later on, she asked me why, when she said that word so many ties it "Didn't seem like a word anymore"
If you don't beleive me, try it for yourself.
Emotions are like that, too. You hold them inside, they whirl around in your head until we can't make sense of them. Until we take them outside of ourselves and try to look at them more objectively.
Maybe that's what you need to do. Get this debris out of your system.
::Sighs:: There are many times I wish I could talk to my daughter now. I can't make things the way they were, Shian, but you can, and I'm going to make sure that you do.
Now tell me what you have in mind in the holodeck.
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Post by shian on Jul 13, 2008 23:55:41 GMT -5
::She decided she was calmed down enough to get up off the floor now. She struggled to her feet and made it to a nearby chair.::
I didn't know you had a daughter. Well, at least I never thought about it before.
::She nodded, then thought about how she wanted to say what her ideas were. She spoke slowly, thoughtfully.::
As for the holodeck, there are two programs I was thinking about. One being some sort of scenario that might help me release some frustrations with this whole thing. Like you suggested.... getting angry. But I'd need some constructive help from you. Hopefully you have some ideas on what kind of program would do that for me?
And the other is... well, a program for piloting. I thought that maybe I could try getting used to flight control again. See how I do.
::She looked at the doctor, hopefully. She hoped he'd be truthful with her and tell her if he thought it was a good idea or if she wasn't ready for anything like that.::
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Post by Dr Leonard McCoy EMH on Jul 14, 2008 0:20:37 GMT -5
Her name is Joanna. ::McCoy said, speaking of his daughter.:: She's a retired Doctor now.
She went to school on Cerberus. Was there in 2259 when the planet had a crop failure and the population was facing starvation.
And it would have happened, too, if not for the generosity of a Philanthropist named Carter Winston.
She's still living there, enjoying a nice retirement.
As far as this holodeck program, Let's just start with somethig easy. We''l make a bunch of objects, and you can break them.
Its a type of therapy that's been used effectively since the 20th century. That's as good a place as any to start, then we'll expand from there.
::He smiled ear to ear when she mentioned piloting::
Really? That's wonderful! and I'll bet a capellan power cat's litterbox that you're not as rusty as you think!
Start out with a basic training program. something easy and just try to have fun with it.
I think the Captain would be pleased with what you;re suggesting, but you tell him when you're ready. he's not gonna pressure you for anything.
::The fact that the "Pilot" in her was coming back out was proof to McCoy that she was on the way back.
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Post by shian on Jul 14, 2008 0:31:44 GMT -5
::Shian smiled when he mentioned his daughter. He was clearly proud of her.::
So, by breaking objects, you mean... what? Just having things made out of glass to break?
::She wasn't quite sure what he meant, but thought she had the idea, maybe.::
I don't want to tell Brock just yet, because I don't want to get his hopes up and have them crushed if I can't do it. Do you know what I mean?
I spent more than a few months sitting around. I mean, there was physical exercise once I was ready for it, but I didn't really have anything to do.
And maybe it would help get my mind off of other things... to concentrate on flight control again.
::She shrugged. She didn't want to tell him that it really was something to get her mind off of everything else. She felt better if she just didn't think about what happened at all. But it was difficult to do when she had no other activities. Maybe a flying program would give her something else to concentrate on so that she just didn't think about it so much.::
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Post by Dr Leonard McCoy EMH on Jul 14, 2008 1:03:49 GMT -5
Exactly, Shian, glass, china plates, Rigellian crystal, anything breakable. Just break things. that's it. See how you feel afterwards.
Shian, Brock is going to support you no matter what. Eve if something doesn;t go as well the first time around, that doesn't mean it won't work.
My Dad used to keep a sign in his office. I read it all the time as a boy every time I went in there. It said :Press On Nothing in the world can take the place of persitsnce. Talent will not. The world is full of unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not. Unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education alne will not. The world is full of educated derelicts. Persistance and determination alone, are omnipotent. And don't tell me you just want to occupy yourself! There's a d**n good helmsman in there who wants to come out.
Tell me something. The very first time you did a solo flight were you scared? Of course you were! But you kept doing it, and each time you did it, it was a little less scary, wasn't it?
But you kept doing it. You went through the fear and it got less and less. Because you wanted to fly!
And you still do! Helmsman can be stubborn as Vulcans.
This is no different, Shian. The more you do, the more you will persist, and the less you'll be afraid.
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Post by shian on Jul 14, 2008 1:33:42 GMT -5
::She thought about the first time she ever had the helm of any ship on her own. It had caused all the butterflies in her stomach to flutter like mad. But it was exhilirating. And besides, Jax had been there every step of the way.::
::Then she suddenly recalled another time that she'd had that same feeling. The butterflies in her stomach, the exhiliration. It was the first time Brock had kissed her.::
I love that feeling....
::She didn't realize she'd said it out loud, but came to right afterwards.::
If you think it's a good idea, then I'll try it. If I need you, will you come to the holodeck? I mean, I want to try and do it on my own, but, I might want you there to talk me through things.
::Though she didn't consciously think about it, she had a renewed vested interest in getting herself back. She didn't know it, but the key to her recovery was her love for Brock, and his love for her. All she had to to was keep taking the steps forward.::
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Post by Dr Leonard McCoy EMH on Jul 14, 2008 1:55:22 GMT -5
::As she spoke, McCoy could suddenly see a spark in her eyes. Whe she had first ariived on the ship, she looked tired, but now, it was changing.
What he witnessed, was man's essential courage winning out.
How about I walk you down there and get you started? I wouldn't mind throwing a few myself.
::Before she knew it, she'd want to take a real shuttle out for a little joyride around the ship.::
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Post by shian on Jul 14, 2008 9:25:15 GMT -5
::Shian looked at him, thought about it a bit more, then nodded.::
Alright. I guess it couldn't hurt. You'll be there.
::She half-smiled at him and stood up.::
You really think this breaking objects therapy will help?
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Post by Dr Leonard McCoy EMH on Jul 14, 2008 21:33:22 GMT -5
::He put out his arm for her to take it as they stepped toward the door.::
Well. It sure can't hurt you any. A lot of people have fun with it. And you, Young Lady, need to have some fun. God knows you've earned it.
::He smiled as they headed out the door::
Because if you forget how to do that, you're going to end up like a former science Officer I once knew.***Continued in "Holodeck"***
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